Sentence made of words, word made of letters. Letters I've never sent

Those who know me ( that's very few people. Namely only me) know that from time to time  I fall into the 'Sentenced period'.

Sentenced was an amazing Finnish band with a passion for death and suicide. People categorize them as 'Gothic metal'. For me only cathedrals can be Gothic, therefore I say they just play awesome music.

It is kinda amazing that all important things in my life until now happened in years with odd numbers (1999, 2003, 2005, 2007, 2009, 2011), except for a statistical anomaly in 2006.
Anyway, I started listening to Sentenced back in 2007, but it wasn't untill 2009 that I really understood them.
And now every time... You know, it chills me out remembering.

Today is a fucking Sentenced period. I feel loneliness feeding on my short living burning soul. Today autumn has finally come, colder, greyer, and such an emptiness growing relentlessly inside of me.

Memories... Yeah, 2009 was the beginning of my longer relationship to date and... Man, it was winter and fucking cold. The car window was broken, frosted wind was caressing my face while driving.
It was something like December the 4th and I was driving to the one I thought could be 'good enough for me'.
And I remember how much lonely I felt, in the winter, driving in the darkness, smoking a cigarette and knowing that no matter who you are dating, no matter the marriage or the eternal partnership, no matter the shit they teach you, I am alone.

Truth be told, I have never thought seriously about suicide and Sentenced helped me with a cathartic effect: they sing about suicide and it's like listening to that kills in me the desire to take my life.

Still something is missing.

I have always had the need to feel accomplished and right now there is only one fucking missing piece and, guess what?, it's the same piece I was looking for in the cold night 4 years ago.
Will I ever be able to find an instant of peace? An infinitesimal time interval when my mind could breath a silent 'finally, I'm not alone'.
 Experimentally I'm screwed, since usually either I fail in the choice or I get bored.
Is this time better? Heck no! No!
 I'm in a library alone listening to Sentenced!

Those who know me also know that 'Sentenced period' means 'hi, guys, I'm struggling to keep myself sane'.
And actually it's what I'm fucking doing.